I’ve had a bad habit of stumbling back to my ex but 3 years later and it’s actually over, forreal this time. Cross my (semi-broken) heart lmao.
“Angie, the vibe is just off and I just can’t flow with it. Your aura is different… good different though.”
In truth, this break up has been in the making for the last 8 months but I am so very stubborn and it was worth fighting for at first. I was fine sacrificing a little bit to make it work but a little bit starts to feel like a whole lot when your the only one compromising yourself. You fight for something so long you start feeling like giving up on it is failure or defeat.You tell yourself, “I did not stay in a stressful situation for this long just to go and dash the thing.” Stupidity! You know shit isn’t the same and never will be but that break up to makeup cycle is real and nostalgia is the precursor to disappointment.
I was stuck on a forever plan two 16 year old high school students had made, forgetting that we were not those kids anymore. I had to chest the fact that shit really does happen and ain’t shit you can do about it. Keep holding on to things God repeatedly show you he wants you to let go of and see if he doesn’t chop that hand off one time. I was clinging on to a dying relationship thinking my love would be enough. Pushing through hurt time and time again for the sake of preserving a relationship. It’s like giving someone diamonds you mined yourself and they give you seashells. Like yeah…ok…the thought counts but…it’s lacking still. I felt like I was being selfish by asking for the same treatment I gave him. I started to resent him because nigga why the fuck can’t you love me like I love you??? It can’t be that hard since I do it on the daily. You know?
Note to the wise: love does not conquer all. In fact, that shit is the bare minimum. Your love cannot be a motivator for someone else to treat you well, just because a guy says he loves you does not mean he is at the mental place to be what you need. Don’t be like me and try to force the thing because you love him, or he asks for another chance. Do not put someone else first then vex because they aren’t as good as loving you as you are them. You cannot feel cheated if you are going to stay in a situation were you continue to be overly generous to someone who doesn’t have the resource/ ability to do the same. I had to look in the mirror and remind myself that I cannot come and die from dehydration, crying over man business. Same arguments with duct tape resolutions and three days later we’re back at it again. Not my bloody portion.
Today was a day of closure. After a month of barely talking, we’d finally drifted too far apart. Being around him was awkward, the jokes didn’t bang, we barely spoke; you would think you were in a room with two strangers and not teenagers who’d just been professing their undying love for one another a few months ago. We knew it was time to end things for good but what I knew and what I was feeling were two opposing things. The relief from fighting for something someone’s not 100% about, paired with the bitterness of closing the chapter of my life that was us. It has been emotionally overwhelming (but we thank God for herb and hard liquor). This time it really hit, I could possibly go the rest of my life never talking to him and only seeing his progression through social medias’ lens. I forced myself to acknowledge the fact that our relationship was done and accept that this was truly the end. We would not be keeping in contact and unlike the other times, it felt final. Someone who this time last year was in the top 3 most important people knows nothing about me now. Life is weird as fuck man.
I could never regret it though. Maybe I’ll try this love shit again in 4 years and won’t be such a headless sheep about it. In the meantime, catch me on Twitter retweeting and liking “men are trash” tweets for the culture.