phoenix

Life right now feels like a movie on mute. Im seeing it happen, but i have no idea what the fuck is going on. I’m really not feeling this whole university scam. It drains the joy out of me, all i feel like doing is laying in bed and sleeping. I have no motivation to pursue the things i’m actually passionate about and it’s killing me. To be honest, it’s not even school though, my ass just be getting bouts of depression out of nowhere. sometimes its a week,  sometimes months. i could be in the middle of summer having the time of my life then all of a sudden everything feels black and white. I always know when it’s about to hit me when I feel heavy in my heart for no reason. I start of sad  then the emotions switch off and i’m just flat. It’s like a numb pain; the physical equivalent of the  buzzing of a speaker connected to a phone that’s not playing anything. food has no taste. music sparks nothing in me. I hate it. I always  end up doing reckless, drunk (sometimes hoe ) shit just to feel something. then i regret it. but shit happens and i have too many mistakes waiting to be made to  dwell on my past. my life changed when i learnt no strings sex can be used as a tool for self harm. but thats another story. Sometimes I fear I may be destroying my future but at the same time I just…don’t care? I don’t want to deal with anything right now. i mean i always manage to get good grades but….university -work -death path is not my portion. And it’s not like i can go up to someone and be like “hey i really hate life at the moment, cheers x” lmao. i just feel stuck, like my life is way off track. and instead of starting to build the foundation for my success im just dicking around. i feel like..im not living my truth or at my fullest potential. i dont want to be seen as someone who only likes to turn up and get drunk.  perception really is everything. my snaps can be lit af on friday and saturday but the reality is im boring as fuck lol. i just sit in my room all day scrolling down my laptop trying to kill time and ignoring my responsibilities. im trying to make a change though. i dont smoke anymore and i think i’ve done all the partying i can do until summer. im just going to isolate myself, ghost for a bit while i work on me. then come back with my head on staight. im tryna get my mental, physical and emotional right cause right now everything is a hectic mess. im recreating/reinventing my self for the better and will not be concerned with how others see me. yall dont know me anymore; that angie is dead.(( lmaooo please forgive me if i sound like drake. more lifes been on repeat.))

5am

everyday i ask myself why im up like this hasnt been my life for the past 3 years smh. then my brains starts with the weird shit…

  • half of me really wants nourishing close knit friendship(s) where someone knows me 100% without me being emotionally closed off, and the other half is terrified at the thought of someone knowing me like that. ughh what kind of moist shit lmao.no but fr i need to start taking this friendship thing more seriously before all i have are dogs. anyways whats meant for me will be mine cant be out here forcing relationships for the sake of companionship. inviting all kinds of energy into my space, im good.
  • could i pull of  blonde hair and do i have the balls to do it? i def feel like i have the personality for it but…i dont want to have fuckery on my head. if not blonde then blue, green or burnt orange/red.
  • MEN ARE TRASHHHH!!!!! its not a late night reflection session if i dont touch on how men are actual gutter trolls. which somehow ends up with me fiending to rub back and stroke beard. which spirals into where is the love of my life? im tired of waiting. infact do i really want a bae? just unnecessary headache. but at the same time men are sooo finnnnnnnnnneeeeee. have u heard a man with a deep voice talk before?????  ughhh i hate them. men legit are like beautiful marble sculptures in a public bathroom. what is the point????  but i appreciate you guys still. ( please allow me, life is not easy.)
  • nasty niggas really are the butter to my bread. like wooooow u really tryna suck my toes?? i stir up those emotions in u?? ur disgustingggggggg but i fucks with ur vision, lets collab nd create a movement lmaoo. no but real shit men who cant fuck shouldnt be allowed to run game. ur out here wasting everybodys time.  and nasty is not sucking fingers abeg that one is played tf outtt. we are on to bigger and better. we suck elbows on this side.  ohmygod i need to sleep.
  • swear down i am tired of reading about jollof wars. ur mom cant cook. no vex.
  • can God just bless me with two  friends that can go on adventures?? im tryna reach Wonderland and go go-karting and to the arcade and all that shit before i die.
  •  im really trying to forgive the people who took my mother from me but at the same time you fuckers can really get ur skin and toenails peeled off :). theyre very welcome to sit on a flaming sword. if hot oil should find its way into ur eyeballs that would be a wow. i wonder what theyre up to. do they have children? do they even remember gunning my mom down? do they give a fuck?
  • why am i so pressed to be something in life. if the Earth decided to just start fling itself out of orbit and starts moving mad throughout the universe i cant do shit. wont i piss myself and die like everyone else? at the same time…i need to, my skin will itch for the rest of my life if i dont surpass my potential.
  • how sure am i that im going to heaven?
  • i want to ghost so bad. i dont want to talk to anyone for a good month or two while i completely reinvent myself.  lol this is the same person begging for friendships. im a very mad person.
  • being raised by a single father has my social skills all fucked up. i really want genuine friendships with women but somehow always end up by surrounded by guys. why?
  • why am i like this???????? u really cant tell me God doesnt have a sense of humour.
  • am i extra if i fry plantain nd egg rn?
  •  people trying to cultivate certain vibes and appearances is so drainingggggg . taming myself for others could u imagineeee?? i would be so bored nd sober all the time.  i do need to calm down a little though.
  • stagnancy is not cute, i need to get my shit together.
  • 6am