phoenix

Life right now feels like a movie on mute. Im seeing it happen, but i have no idea what the fuck is going on. I’m really not feeling this whole university scam. It drains the joy out of me, all i feel like doing is laying in bed and sleeping. I have no motivation to pursue the things i’m actually passionate about and it’s killing me. To be honest, it’s not even school though, my ass just be getting bouts of depression out of nowhere. sometimes its a week,  sometimes months. i could be in the middle of summer having the time of my life then all of a sudden everything feels black and white. I always know when it’s about to hit me when I feel heavy in my heart for no reason. I start of sad  then the emotions switch off and i’m just flat. It’s like a numb pain; the physical equivalent of the  buzzing of a speaker connected to a phone that’s not playing anything. food has no taste. music sparks nothing in me. I hate it. I always  end up doing reckless, drunk (sometimes hoe ) shit just to feel something. then i regret it. but shit happens and i have too many mistakes waiting to be made to  dwell on my past. my life changed when i learnt no strings sex can be used as a tool for self harm. but thats another story. Sometimes I fear I may be destroying my future but at the same time I just…don’t care? I don’t want to deal with anything right now. i mean i always manage to get good grades but….university -work -death path is not my portion. And it’s not like i can go up to someone and be like “hey i really hate life at the moment, cheers x” lmao. i just feel stuck, like my life is way off track. and instead of starting to build the foundation for my success im just dicking around. i feel like..im not living my truth or at my fullest potential. i dont want to be seen as someone who only likes to turn up and get drunk.  perception really is everything. my snaps can be lit af on friday and saturday but the reality is im boring as fuck lol. i just sit in my room all day scrolling down my laptop trying to kill time and ignoring my responsibilities. im trying to make a change though. i dont smoke anymore and i think i’ve done all the partying i can do until summer. im just going to isolate myself, ghost for a bit while i work on me. then come back with my head on staight. im tryna get my mental, physical and emotional right cause right now everything is a hectic mess. im recreating/reinventing my self for the better and will not be concerned with how others see me. yall dont know me anymore; that angie is dead.(( lmaooo please forgive me if i sound like drake. more lifes been on repeat.))

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s