Unorganized thoughts, please bear with me as I try to make sense. I need to share.
I’ve questioned God, insulted God, mocked His followers, doubted Him, hid from Him, begged Him, ignored Him, denied His existence, only to always end up coming back around to asking for his mercy and grace. God has been speaking to me my whole life. Don’t ask me how I know it’s God, I just do. But living in Canada, I can honestly say my relationship with God has been…a joke. Lol, to be frank there really was no relationship until recently. God’s voice has been getting louder and louder in my ear, especially since I went back home to Cameroon last December. I keep trying to ignore it by overindulging in worldly deeds but I can’t ignore signs anymore. There has to be a reason why I keep stumbling back to this point. How many times will I tell God I’m ready to commit? I’m hoping the third time is the charm. Infact, I know it will.
I’ve been feeling so lost lately. School, social, personal, family, everything. I feel like a secondary character in my own life, like who is really in control here? I’ve just been tired and self-medicating for about a year, maybe two, maybe four. On Monday I woke up feeling absolutely defeated, I dont know what touched me but I just starting talking out loud to God. It wasn’t a full-on conversation I just asked one thing “Please touch my heart in a way that will stick this time, sharpen me so I can be used as your tool.” Left it at that and went about my day, completely forgot I said this, but guess who didn’t?
So I’m minding my business on facebook and I see a post made by my cousin advising people to read Luke 11 v. 1-28. Normally when I see things like this..mehn if you don’t put this verse I’m not going “out of my way” to look for it. Then I remembered what I asked of God this morning and I just felt like I should check it out. If you don’t know, Luke 11 starts out with Jesus teaching his disciples how to pray. Like guys, is this not God talking to me?? I felt like he was telling me “that little thing you did today is a start but heres the step by step guided instructions.” Basically God told me to step my praying game up. But the part that really touched me, when I really knew that yeah this is God pointing me in a certain direction was when I read:
24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’25 When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.
27 As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.”
28 He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”
I took this to mean that when you’ve succumbed to the tools of the devil and you finally give your life to God, something will always come back to test you. In fact the devil will fashion a stronger version of that tool to tempt you, and if you allow it to win your condition worsens. The devil loves to make a home out of weak minded Christians to prove his power. I truly feel like this is where I go wrong when it comes to my faith. As soon as I feel like I’m being tested I give up on God. I don’t even realize I’m doing it, it’s as simple as “oh i feel like trash, let me get drunk”, just like that the overindulgence in alcohol has pleased the devil. I’m trying to work on that.
Literally not even 5 minutes after I’m done reading and letting the passage sink in, I go on Youtube, not looking for anything in particular but I see a thumbnail of a Youtuber i enjoy watching. Then I read the title “Testimony: God Saved Me and My Degree”.
At this point I’m just like what is going on today?? I sit through Nehi’s 30 minute testimony and it’s like he made the video specifically for me. Everything he’s saying is resonating, I cant explain but it felt like drinking fresh water. Search it if you’re interested. Usually I listen to people’s testimonies and I’m just like…thats cool I guess, good for you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, but it does nothing for me.
Mind you, this video came out three weeks ago. And I’m just thinking “thats impossible cause I definitely checked to see If he’d uploaded in the last two weeks and never saw this video”. I probably wasn’t even paying attention to keep it 100. But deep it, it was brought to my attention on the same day I ask God to sharpen me, and asked for His guidance.
So at the end of that video he gives like tips and advice for beginning your journey and strengthening your relationship with God. At this point I’m all in, researching the links he provided and expanding from there. I decide that If i’m going to be serious this time, let me do it like exercise you know? Slowly slowly, and build up from there. So best way its daily devotionals. I’ve researched all the devotional apps cause I want it on my phone, decided on one. Cool. I also choose a bible reading program and a daily prayer option. Something tells me to check the daily prayer of today (October 3rd) even though at this point its only like 1am.
Guess what the topic was. A prayer for Losing Yourself.
Guys. Unreal! It would be too lazy for me to believe that this is all coincidence.
The was a journal topic right, and I’m like “oh I don’t have a spare notebook” but guess what, I have a wordpress. and what is my wordpress called? “actualizingangie”. Please Google the meaning/synonyms of “actualizing” if you don’t know. My God does not play, he’s been setting this moment up for a good two years. Are you shook cause I am.
So yeah. This is not a testimony or anything, just an introduction to my spiritual journey. And please understand that I’m not perfect. I’m still Angela. I got drunk literally on Monday so please if I slip up don’t be bringing up God cause trust me I probably already feel bad. I’m not a saint, I might make several mistakes but I will never turn my back on God again in the way I used to. The Holy Spirit got me.