Life right now feels like a movie on mute. Im seeing it happen, but i have no idea what the fuck is going on. I’m really not feeling this whole university scam. It drains the joy out of me, all i feel like doing is laying in bed and sleeping. I have no motivation to pursue the things i’m actually passionate about and it’s killing me. To be honest, it’s not even school though, my ass just be getting bouts of depression out of nowhere. sometimes its a week, sometimes months. i could be in the middle of summer having the time of my life then all of a sudden everything feels black and white. I always know when it’s about to hit me when I feel heavy in my heart for no reason. I start of sad then the emotions switch off and i’m just flat. It’s like a numb pain; the physical equivalent of the buzzing of a speaker connected to a phone that’s not playing anything. food has no taste. music sparks nothing in me. I hate it. I always end up doing reckless, drunk (sometimes hoe ) shit just to feel something. then i regret it. but shit happens and i have too many mistakes waiting to be made to dwell on my past. my life changed when i learnt no strings sex can be used as a tool for self harm. but thats another story. Sometimes I fear I may be destroying my future but at the same time I just…don’t care? I don’t want to deal with anything right now. i mean i always manage to get good grades but….university -work -death path is not my portion. And it’s not like i can go up to someone and be like “hey i really hate life at the moment, cheers x” lmao. i just feel stuck, like my life is way off track. and instead of starting to build the foundation for my success im just dicking around. i feel like..im not living my truth or at my fullest potential. i dont want to be seen as someone who only likes to turn up and get drunk. perception really is everything. my snaps can be lit af on friday and saturday but the reality is im boring as fuck lol. i just sit in my room all day scrolling down my laptop trying to kill time and ignoring my responsibilities. im trying to make a change though. i dont smoke anymore and i think i’ve done all the partying i can do until summer. im just going to isolate myself, ghost for a bit while i work on me. then come back with my head on staight. im tryna get my mental, physical and emotional right cause right now everything is a hectic mess. im recreating/reinventing my self for the better and will not be concerned with how others see me. yall dont know me anymore; that angie is dead.(( lmaooo please forgive me if i sound like drake. more lifes been on repeat.))
everyday i ask myself why im up like this hasnt been my life for the past 3 years smh. then my brains starts with the weird shit…
- half of me really wants nourishing close knit friendship(s) where someone knows me 100% without me being emotionally closed off, and the other half is terrified at the thought of someone knowing me like that. ughh what kind of moist shit lmao.no but fr i need to start taking this friendship thing more seriously before all i have are dogs. anyways whats meant for me will be mine cant be out here forcing relationships for the sake of companionship. inviting all kinds of energy into my space, im good.
- could i pull of blonde hair and do i have the balls to do it? i def feel like i have the personality for it but…i dont want to have fuckery on my head. if not blonde then blue, green or burnt orange/red.
- MEN ARE TRASHHHH!!!!! its not a late night reflection session if i dont touch on how men are actual gutter trolls. which somehow ends up with me fiending to rub back and stroke beard. which spirals into where is the love of my life? im tired of waiting. infact do i really want a bae? just unnecessary headache. but at the same time men are sooo finnnnnnnnnneeeeee. have u heard a man with a deep voice talk before????? ughhh i hate them. men legit are like beautiful marble sculptures in a public bathroom. what is the point???? but i appreciate you guys still. ( please allow me, life is not easy.)
- nasty niggas really are the butter to my bread. like wooooow u really tryna suck my toes?? i stir up those emotions in u?? ur disgustingggggggg but i fucks with ur vision, lets collab nd create a movement lmaoo. no but real shit men who cant fuck shouldnt be allowed to run game. ur out here wasting everybodys time. and nasty is not sucking fingers abeg that one is played tf outtt. we are on to bigger and better. we suck elbows on this side. ohmygod i need to sleep.
- swear down i am tired of reading about jollof wars. ur mom cant cook. no vex.
- can God just bless me with two friends that can go on adventures?? im tryna reach Wonderland and go go-karting and to the arcade and all that shit before i die.
- im really trying to forgive the people who took my mother from me but at the same time you fuckers can really get ur skin and toenails peeled off :). theyre very welcome to sit on a flaming sword. if hot oil should find its way into ur eyeballs that would be a wow. i wonder what theyre up to. do they have children? do they even remember gunning my mom down? do they give a fuck?
- why am i so pressed to be something in life. if the Earth decided to just start fling itself out of orbit and starts moving mad throughout the universe i cant do shit. wont i piss myself and die like everyone else? at the same time…i need to, my skin will itch for the rest of my life if i dont surpass my potential.
- how sure am i that im going to heaven?
- i want to ghost so bad. i dont want to talk to anyone for a good month or two while i completely reinvent myself. lol this is the same person begging for friendships. im a very mad person.
- being raised by a single father has my social skills all fucked up. i really want genuine friendships with women but somehow always end up by surrounded by guys. why?
- why am i like this???????? u really cant tell me God doesnt have a sense of humour.
- am i extra if i fry plantain nd egg rn?
- people trying to cultivate certain vibes and appearances is so drainingggggg . taming myself for others could u imagineeee?? i would be so bored nd sober all the time. i do need to calm down a little though.
- stagnancy is not cute, i need to get my shit together.
I’ve had a bad habit of stumbling back to my ex but 3 years later and it’s actually over, forreal this time. Cross my (semi-broken) heart lmao.
“Angie, the vibe is just off and I just can’t flow with it. Your aura is different… good different though.”
In truth, this break up has been in the making for the last 8 months but I am so very stubborn and it was worth fighting for at first. I was fine sacrificing a little bit to make it work but a little bit starts to feel like a whole lot when your the only one compromising yourself. You fight for something so long you start feeling like giving up on it is failure or defeat.You tell yourself, “I did not stay in a stressful situation for this long just to go and dash the thing.” Stupidity! You know shit isn’t the same and never will be but that break up to makeup cycle is real and nostalgia is the precursor to disappointment.
I was stuck on a forever plan two 16 year old high school students had made, forgetting that we were not those kids anymore. I had to chest the fact that shit really does happen and ain’t shit you can do about it. Keep holding on to things God repeatedly show you he wants you to let go of and see if he doesn’t chop that hand off one time. I was clinging on to a dying relationship thinking my love would be enough. Pushing through hurt time and time again for the sake of preserving a relationship. It’s like giving someone diamonds you mined yourself and they give you seashells. Like yeah…ok…the thought counts but…it’s lacking still. I felt like I was being selfish by asking for the same treatment I gave him. I started to resent him because nigga why the fuck can’t you love me like I love you??? It can’t be that hard since I do it on the daily. You know?
Note to the wise: love does not conquer all. In fact, that shit is the bare minimum. Your love cannot be a motivator for someone else to treat you well, just because a guy says he loves you does not mean he is at the mental place to be what you need. Don’t be like me and try to force the thing because you love him, or he asks for another chance. Do not put someone else first then vex because they aren’t as good as loving you as you are them. You cannot feel cheated if you are going to stay in a situation were you continue to be overly generous to someone who doesn’t have the resource/ ability to do the same. I had to look in the mirror and remind myself that I cannot come and die from dehydration, crying over man business. Same arguments with duct tape resolutions and three days later we’re back at it again. Not my bloody portion.
Today was a day of closure. After a month of barely talking, we’d finally drifted too far apart. Being around him was awkward, the jokes didn’t bang, we barely spoke; you would think you were in a room with two strangers and not teenagers who’d just been professing their undying love for one another a few months ago. We knew it was time to end things for good but what I knew and what I was feeling were two opposing things. The relief from fighting for something someone’s not 100% about, paired with the bitterness of closing the chapter of my life that was us. It has been emotionally overwhelming (but we thank God for herb and hard liquor). This time it really hit, I could possibly go the rest of my life never talking to him and only seeing his progression through social medias’ lens. I forced myself to acknowledge the fact that our relationship was done and accept that this was truly the end. We would not be keeping in contact and unlike the other times, it felt final. Someone who this time last year was in the top 3 most important people knows nothing about me now. Life is weird as fuck man.
I could never regret it though. Maybe I’ll try this love shit again in 4 years and won’t be such a headless sheep about it. In the meantime, catch me on Twitter retweeting and liking “men are trash” tweets for the culture.